1 Bury your head in the sand

This is the style of the lesser spotted modern Ostrich student, who pops their ear phones in and ignores the reality of the world around them. They are behind with work, and confused in some subjects. But listening to music and playing level 145 candy crush is a safer bet than tackling the work.

2 Ignore deadlines and forget to plan

Douglas Adams the successful author of the Hitchhiker’s guide to the Universe said he loved deadlines, he loved the whooshing sound as they passed by. The great thing is to ignore them, bluff you didn’t know (when you know you did) and be busy with something else: candy crush 146. Now your teachers go on about being organised, so here’s a thing, stop worrying about organising stuff. Just try and turn up here and there with files of paper and smudged make up and the odd tear (onions, use onions they are good). The trick is to make the teacher really glad you are actually there, so a lack of the right folder/papers is just fine, and you’ll get away with it.

3 Skive a lesson

Be smart here, it can’t be a lot just the odd one. Especially as stuff is all on SIMS and texts get sent home. You might be able to feign being sick to friends who might pass the message on. Be a careful  actor though.

4 Avoid eye contact with staff.

It’s when the question is straightforward like ‘Who can recall photosynthesis?’ Make sure you have pen in hand, jot down something on paper ( anything at all, most pupils find a Christmas present list or favourite curry dishes is a good start). Point the top  of your head at the teacher. No way do you want to be answering questions especially now the class is 15 not 30

5 Hand in shoddy incomplete work, preferably shuffled with work from different subjects

Drop files on the floor, at home in school, with your peers. This is called peer revalues, you lend work for marking and don’t  get it back. You tell Miss that you friend marked it, gave it an A+++ and once you get it back you will pass it on but if she would just add that mark to sims. Hang on, you know she will forget. there is an added spin off here, you can also pull the wool over the ‘interested parent’ here. Recycle old work to make sure the file looks full, or weighs a lot. You also need to purchase those specialist printers, you know the ones that are 100% reliable until you tell them this is “coursework” and they stop working. if they do print your feeble efforts, make sure you leave the USB key somewhere where it won’t be found, or at the very least snarls up when you press “save”. You might just get away with “Miss why does windows update always delete my work *tears* can you help?”

6 Organise dental and other appointments for the lesson

No brainer and heck no one counts these up so you might be able to get a dental appointment every week. Be a bit careful I have a colleague who does tend to spot that on that rate of dental visits your family would be broke or you would have the best set of teggies in the world. Dig out those old bottles of tippex too temporarily cover your teeth.

7 Catch that well-known 24hr flu

Only for emergencies but you can get away mid morning after ICT before Maths and get back the next day for your free with your mates. You might need to practice impersonating your Mum on the phone or else that manflu voice.

8 Distraction

Listen carefully to your teachers little spillages of personal info and exploit. What football team they support, what car they drive, what social things they might let slip they are doing at a weekend. then exploit this. Monday’s lessons ask them how their team did ( do your research, start the dialogue). Sometimes the wiser headed teacher spots this technique. You must be more subtle. try the clever question when the teacher starts. “Oh Sir I heard that  Shrodinger didn’t have a cat but spent his time solving complex Maths, I tried to solve this equation Saturday evening, can you show me how its done?”  ( never mind the lesson was PE)

9 Do the study for your favourite (easy) subject only

If you do Maths and Chemistry for example and are doing Ok at Maths and badly at Chemistry the trick is to go to all the help sessions for Maths. Counter intuitive I know but this way your ego is boosted and the staff love you and its easy because you can do Maths. By not going to Chemistry you don’t get depressed about just what you don’t get. You don’t see those other clever students who don’t get it which clearly means you are more clever than them. Oh and you know all that background reading and references and posts and links – make sure your computer blocks them.

10 Compare and contrast

Some students reflect on their progress and learning but you have a much snappier way. you compare yourself to the worst student  in the group. The one absent or shouted at, or daydreaming or who never hands work in , after all at least you are present and correct. Hey and you wear cool clothes that must count, cool clothes.

 

Here is some even better advice from Red Dwarfs Rimmer’s study habits

PS I need to tell you the ctrl alt tab key combination allows you to very quickly bring up a page of work and hide the games/shopping/gambling sites – sweet.

PPS You will be pleased to know in the world of HE University or employment they love excuses!

• So much they just ignore them. So if you can’t make a deadline you get zero. If you fail an exam and retake, you must pass the retake but the new grade you get won’ t count now. Ohps bang goes that first or 2:1 or ….place.
• If at work you miss stuff they give you a nice form , AND you don’t even need to fill it in, it’s called a P45